it's all in how i react

(easier said than done, though, right?) :)

i went to a breast cancer survivor event/workshop saturday. i went looking for information and some kindred spirits, some encouragement and hope and maybe insight into how i can help others. i'm glad i went but came back feeling sadness and guilt. annie (one of the teachers) mentioned in the mindfulness session you can have 20 positives in one day and one negative - and the negative is the one that sticks. mine wasn't intended to be negative (at least i hope not) but it's the thing that stuck with me, no matter how hard i've been trying to fight it.

the first talk was great, pointing out the benefits of peer support. i think this is true at any stage, any severity. i know i enjoyed going to the support group in april and plan to go again this month. i realized from the speaker and by comments from some of the ladies that it is not uncommon to feel lonely in this - depression i thought was a given, but loneliness has been something i wasn't quite expecting. and i think that part has been rearing its ugly head more lately - which causes depression (already figured that was there a bit) and anxiety (even in familiar situations with familiar people) which leads to a desire to withdraw (which would NOT be a healthy or good thing). all of this said i understand the importance of peer support (for me, i know it's not for everyone). my family and friends can only understand so much about this process - mentally, emotionally and physically (and how they all go together when your physical appearance is changing).

i enjoyed the breakout sessions - tried some yoga and a mindfulness class. then we had lunch. so i pick a table, any table, since i don't know a soul there. i sit at a table with seemingly 4 friends, an older lady (in her 80's), and the thai chi instructor. all was fine, chit chat across the table, then the lady beside me asks if i'm a survivor. i tell her i am, my surgery was in april, it was extensive but ultimately non-invasive so no follow-up treatments were necessary. she asked me what stage, i told her it was stage 0 because it was non-invasive, to which she whips around and says, "stage 0????" i had already questioned if i should be there - but ultimately thought it would be informative and fun and a way to possibly make a connection, even if just for the day. when this came out of her mouth, though, i immediately felt embarrassed (not hard for me), i felt guilty for being there and i felt guilty that my breast cancer journey was so much easier than some of these women. even though i wanted to yell BUT I LOST BOTH OF MY BREASTS TO "STAGE 0" and show her the misshapen, uncomfortable chest i call my own right now (i know it's temporary and i am extremely grateful it was "only stage 0", please don't get me wrong). this just struck me as sad, not because others words should have so much power over how you feel about something or someone (namely that someone being me) - it struck me because now in my head i have 2 negative voices regarding this diagnosis - first being a response from a doctor when i told him the surgeon was going to take 1-2 lymph nodes to be sure there was no micro-invasion, to which he replied, "why?? this is JUST dcis (ductal carcenoma in-situ)." now i have this added - "stage 0???" it is not their faults that this has stuck with me - that's my own issue. what it has taught me, though......think before you respond!!!! Lord, i want that filter before i respond to someone, especially in a situation like this. i don't want someone to feel less than or diminish their own journey in life because it may not be as "interesting" or "trying" as my own. i've had friends tell me what's going on with them ,or a family member or friend and either preface or end with, "but i know what you went through is so much more." i just want to say IT DOESN'T MATTER!! i'm not in a competition (at least i hope not :)) and what they are going through is equally as important, equally as challenging and equally as hard. it's just a different journey and we're all called to different experiences. we are given what we can handle and, if we choose, hopefully gifted the heart and skills to help others that might be on a similar road one day.

i was 31yrs old when i had my entire stomach removed due to an abnormal tumor. august of that same year i had surgery to remove an ovarian cyst that continued to grow and look suspicious. 2yrs later i went through ivf and we were blessed beyond words to become pregnant with audrey. i was 34 (aud was 8 months old) when i had my gall bladder removed. i am 37 and i had the lumpectomy in march, double mastectomy in april. my next 2 surgeries (for the reconstruction process) will be in july and august. this is my journey so far and that's ok. it's ok because i can see the Lord in each and every step. i can see His hand in all of this - through doctors, through care from family and friends, through His provision. and He has allowed people in my path that have understood or someone who needed to be understood. so all of this - all of the surgeries, procedures, endoscopies, poking, prodding, discomfort and pain - ALL of this is for a reason. it is not in vain.

so my prayer right now is that the enemy's voice ("this is JUST dcis" and "stage 0??") will be drowned out by truth that i am loved, that my journey was chosen for me before i was born, that He has equipped me, and that He will use this stage 0 dcis diagnosis to help someone else down the road to NOT feel guilty but accept and work through it. because at the end of the day it's breast cancer. it's not a club you want to join, but i'm here so what can i do to help others.