terrific tuesday

......at least that's what we are saying to aud (thanks aunt pepe!)!! she is excited about tuesday because it means "doctor" (uncle brent) is picking her up tomorrow morning and taking her to get donuts, after class she gets to hang out with her teacher (whom she adores) and her daughter (another one whom she adores), after that her best friend lily jane and her mom are staying at HER house which she is thrilled about!!! that is aud's terrific tuesday and i am THRILLED beyond words for every bit of her day because she is excited about it all!!!!

now, terrific tuesday may be stretching it for me, though. :) i'm anxious. i will admit it. i've kept it together really well today - it WAS funday monday, after all. but when things settled down and she was in bed i broke down. i think i just had to. though we are EXTREMELY grateful this is "just DCIS" which means it should be contained/non-invasive, we are blessed that it was caught so early, i'm still having a double mastectomy tomorrow. and that's sad. i have so much to be grateful for, and i am and i recognize my blessings and how the Lord has once again walked before us in a medical situation. but i'm still having a double mastectomy tomorrow.

i've never been one who is "proud" of my chest - rather, i'm the one wearing turtle necks in the summertime. :) it is a physical feature, it is not something that defines me as sonja clower, as a wife, as a mom, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend. that has nothing to do with any of those things. but it's still a bit jarring that something so small and seemingly insignificant (to some doctors) is taking both of my breasts. honestly, the thing that has continually gone through my head after the lumpectomy 3wks ago is "this was supposed to be so easy - it's so small - this was supposed to be so easy". and i KNOW that compared to what other women have gone through this is a cake walk. and i am grateful that right now this should take care of the cancer side of things - once we do this that should be it for breast cancer. they will test 1 or 2 lymphnodes to be sure there has been no micro-invasion, but there really is no reason to think that will come back with anything positive.

and i keep saying it and will likely say it til i'm blue in the face - but i am overwhelmed and humbled and blessed beyond words!!!! i truly cannot believe the support, the prayers, the encouragement, the love. i am truly, truly humbled. and it hurts my heart so much to think of women that go through this, or worse, with no support system at all. it hurts my heart to think of the loneliness and possible hopelessness they may feel. God has blessed us with a tremendous support system, with incredible family and friends, and to know that people are literally praying from coast to coast - WOW!!!! holy smokes!!! good night nurse (to quote my mother in law)!!!

my sister and 2 friends girded me with a pink arsenal of "stuff" for the lumpectomy - it was great and sweet and so generous!! this time they treated me to a night of making me feel beautiful and special - hair and makeup and nice dinner. and it was just what i needed before this surgery but i would have never known that.

we've been blessed by co-workers and clients, people that we work with on a daily basis, showing love and support and encouragement. the teachers and parents at aud's school have been amazing!!

my sister put on a "pink prayer/encouragement" get together sunday. 20+ women gathered at her house to show support and love and pray for me. one friend mentioned a song my 3 aunts used to sing together - SURELY THE PRESENCE OF THE LORD IS IN THIS PLACE and He was!!! you couldn't help but feel Him there. it was amazing and such a gift and is a time i will always treasure!

so it's 11pm. my first appt is at 830am tomorrow morning. then the ball really gets rolling. the first part of the surgery is supposed to start around 330pm, the second part around 530pm. should be a 3-4hr surgery. i will spend the night tomorrow night and should go home wednesday afternoon or evening.

i'm anxious. i'm sad. and in the midst of that i feel very, very blessed and loved. and that is a wonderful, wonderful thing. i have hope. i KNOW that this is not in vain. i KNOW that there is a plan. i KNOW that this is a part of my story, of ed's story as a husband, of aud's story as a daughter. i KNOW that my heavenly Father is going to use this - no matter how big or small - for HIS glory. and i do look forward to seeing how He uses this. how He uses me and my family. it sucks - don't get me wrong, i would much prefer a different path than this - but i KNOW He has walked before us, i KNOW He is already there tomorrow, and i KNOW He is ahead of us in this process. and that's comforting and that gives me peace. and HOPE! :)

thank you for keeping up with us! we may try to sneak another post in some time tomorrow in the midst of all of the waiting. but ed will post tomorrow night to update how the surgery went and to let you know everything is finished.

thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!!! :)