i have been blessed to be home with my little girl for 9 weeks. tomorrow is my first day back to work and i have to say i am just plain sad. i am SO grateful i was able to be home with her for so long, so grateful i have a job to go back to while so many are without work, grateful ed will be home with her for the next 2 1/2 weeks (and jealous, to be quite honest), grateful that we have childcare all set up for her with an amazing gal named megan who comes HIGHLY recommended by people we know and trust. we met megan last tuesday and she is just great - truly! she has a 9 yr old and a 7 yr old who are in school, and she also has a 1 yr old. during the day it will be her son, another 2 yr old that she watches and audrey. we cannot miss the Lord's hand in this process, even though it is so hard. i know it will be a blessing for audrey to be in her home and i know there will be so many things megan will be able to teach us about audrey and raising a child period.
admittedly i've had a hard time over the last couple of weeks just getting over my own stubborn, prideful, selfish nature. so, i called my friend debbie. to vent, to confess, to be challenged. she gave me the good kick in the pants i needed. the Lord has used her in my life a number of times. this time she was able to point out to me that this is just the first of MANY times that i will have to let audrey go. when she mentioned that in her prayer i was literally brought to tears. i had not thought of it that way - and to be reminded of that was hard. "i know" she isn't mine, "i know" she is "on loan" to us, "i know" that we are supposed to hold onto her with open hands. i know all of these things in my head, now i have to actually act on it - trust that the Lord is the One who has orchestrated this childcare situation with megan, trust that He is going to take care of her in someone elses care. goodness gracious - megan has 3 kids of her own and has watched many others - really, she could not be in better hands!!!! i just long to be at home with her, though, and to experience all of the firsts for myself, have time with her, comfort her when she needs comforting, feed her when she's hungry, glance at her when she is sleeping so peacefully, have the time to learn each other more. women go back to work all the time - some wanting to go back to work, some needing to go back to work. i'm not the first woman to have to leave her child. and, like debbie said, the world will not come to an end tomorrow morning when i have to leave, i will not leave the house and fall off the face of the earth (even though that's how i feel!). it's another day and a chance for me to trust, yet again, that God has everything under control. it's an adventure. if only i could really see it as an adventure. i'm trying, debbie, i really am!!! :)
trust.......again and again and again trust........trust that God has ed's job situation already figured out and that He will show us at just the right time......trust that our current jobs are secure for the time being and that we will be provided for........trust that audrey will be well taken care of while we are at work, that she will grow and thrive in megan's care........trust, trust, trust. Lord, help me to trust!!
i have to admit i'm grateful that ed is the one that will be taking her to megan's house when he goes back to work, that i'm not the one that has to leave her in the morning. now, how selfish is that??
the real issue is going to be how will louis take all of this change once we both are back to work and he is all by himself again. could be bad news bears for the little man!!! :)
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