trust.....or the lack thereof

i'm struck lately at how little faith i have. i am tired of this limbo - tired of not knowing what the next step is going to be - tired of not knowing how it's all going to work out - tired of being tired (figuratively and literally). i was reading a friend of a friends blog the other day and she was talking about weaving a story of faith - being made aware that she is right in the middle of a story, all the pieces that have happened and that are happening are writing this story, yet there is a desire to get of out it, recreate it or control it. that's exactly where i am right now. i want out of this particular story, i want to recreate it into something that I THINK will be much better for us, meaning i want to take control. there are so many things just up in the air right now - ed's job, our future location (either here in st louis or somewhere totally different), when our daughter will make her grand appearance (yes, i know i have absolutley NO control over that one), where i will be working and what that will look like (if we move from st louis), where we will be living (either here or elsewhere), how maternity leave is going to work out for me being that right now i'm the primary bread winner while ed is searching for a job, childcare for audrey (do we go ahead and set something up here now, do we go with someone in their home, do we go with a childcare center??).....and as i type this out i know that it all boils down to trust. that's a loaded and hard word for me. why, i don't know. throw hormones and lack of sleep (already) in and it's a dangerous mix - poor ed!
"for i know the plans i have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (jer 29:11)
i know this - with all of my heart i know this b/c the Lord has shown over and over and over again just how much He loves me/us, how He wants to provide for me/us, how He desires for me to trust Him with all of these questions (and then some). so, i have seen in the past how He has cared for me/us, how He has provided above and beyond what we could have imagined, how He takes care of the smallest details of our lives - why am i doubting now?
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (matt 6:25-34)
so there it is, in black and white - if He takes such care for the birds of the air and the lillies of the field, would He really neglect these "issues" of mine? absolutely not! so again i ask, why is it so hard for me to trust right now??
i think about all of this and i'm challenged b/c i don't want to raise my daughter to be a worrier. i want her to know and love and trust Her Father - i want her to rest in the assurance that she is well taken care of, that she is cared for, that He wants to provide for her, that He DELIGHTS in providing for her. i want my daughter to know these things, to rest in this truth. how can i lead her in this way when her own mother is having a hard time trusting how the next 6 months is going to work out?
i know there is an issue of trust in there, but honestly there is probably quite a bit of plain old impatience mixed in, too. i want to know now so that i know how to plan, so i know it's all going to be taken care of, so i have some sense of a plan. i've presented some very good plans to the Lord, at least what i thought were good plans, only to hear "thank you, but I've got something else in mind." and yes, His plan is always better than anything i could have ever dreamt of. and still i fail to trust.....
so, what's with the banana pudding picture at the top? for a stretch that was my way of showing ed a little love, a little thoughtful treat i would try to give him (until i wore the gift out and he needed a break from one of his favorite desserts - sorry, ed). it was such a little thing for me to do but ed loved it! loved knowing it was in the fridge for him to eat on anytime he wanted, loved knowing that i thought of him and wanted to do that for him. if i delight in making banana pudding for my husband (only every once in a while nowadays), how much more does my Father delight in taking care of me??? i just cannot even imagine!